When you meet your first love again, give him a hug

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He still appears in my dreams. In my dreams, he walks towards me, and I finally have the opportunity to rush to my date with him, and finally have the courage to say to him: "How much I love you!" All these things that I never did in my first love, I did them all in my dreams without any regrets.

 

　　Meet and fall in love

I am from Jiangxi. Because I had to take care of my younger siblings, I started first grade at the age of 8. So I was 16 years old when I was in the third grade of junior high school. In the spring when I was 16, I met my first love.

Actually, I am a late-maturing girl. To this day, I still feel that my mental age is much younger than my actual age. Before that, I was just a country girl who helped my parents with work whenever I had time, except for studying. I was not pretty, did not like to dress up, and had no emotional education.

He was the monitor of the class next door. He was tall, which was rare for people from the south. He was very handsome and very good at studying. His uncle was our physics teacher. I had participated in school and county competitions with him, so we knew each other, but we had never talked alone. At that time, I didn't have any special thoughts about getting close to him. I instinctively thought that he was from a different world. He was so handsome that I don't know how many girls he had fascinated. But what does this have to do with me? It was out of reach.

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However, in the spring when I was 16, in the dusk, he took the initiative to walk towards me without any premonition. That day was the same as usual. I went to study after dinner, but for some reason the school suddenly lost power and the power did not come back after waiting for a long time. My home was only a hundred meters away from the school, so I got up and went home. When I walked to the corner of the school gate, a voice suddenly rang in my ear: "Yiran." I subconsciously agreed and immediately guessed that it was him. "The power is out, can I go to your house to watch TV?" He walked closer. I couldn't see his expression clearly. But the strange thing is that from his tone, it seemed that he was a friend who had known me for many years.

For a moment, I was a little flattered, but I remained calm on the surface. I said, "If there is no electricity in the school, then there is no electricity at home. How can I watch TV?" After saying that, I walked away thoughtfully.

When I got home, there was really no electricity at home. It was boring to just sit there. I remembered the Hong Kong and Taiwan drama "Rogue Tycoon" which was popular at that time, so I ran to my classmate Xiaomei's house to watch TV. Her house was very close to mine and she had a small generator at home.
 

At Xiaomei's house, I ran into him again. I have no memory of his expression when he saw me, or my own state of mind. It seemed that I had forgotten everything the moment I saw him. We watched TV together, sitting very close to each other. I don't know when he held my hand. For the first time in my life, I blushed. I don't remember what the TV program was that day, because he was still holding my hand until the ending song sounded. His fingers touched my palm back and forth, and his body temperature spread to my heart, giving me a different kind of warmth.

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He can really take his heart back if he says so. To be honest, I don't know how he does it. I can't do it anyway. My feelings are still there, and it seems to be getting harder and harder to extricate myself. It's just that seeing each other has turned into missing each other. It's okay during the day, but at night, after the evening self-study, all I can think about is his voice, face and smile. I have to think about him to fall asleep, which has almost become my homework every night.

I learned to feel sorry for myself and started to feel inferior about my appearance. Sometimes I couldn't help but look at my hands carefully, as if his coming and going were closely related to these hands. Am I not beautiful? Are my hands ugly? I often fall into such confusion. Because of this, I became unprecedentedly concerned about a person's hands. I like clean, white, slender and voluptuous hands. When my daughter was born, the doctor held her to me. I didn't check whether my daughter's limbs were healthy first. Instead, I grabbed her little hand first. I saw that her nails were narrow and long, and her little fingers were clearly thick and thin, just like scallions. I felt very comforted. Of course, this is a later story.

I basically spent three years in high school in this state, becoming depressed and sensitive. He would come over occasionally, but not to see me. He would always come with a classmate from my village and just glance in front of me and then leave, and just seeing him from a distance could comfort me for a long time. A long time later, I heard someone summarize it: talented women attract men, beautiful women seduce men, but only scheming women can catch men. It's a wise saying. Maybe in his eyes, I can only be regarded as a woman with some talent, so the ending is just like this, and what I can't wake up from is the dream of my youth.

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Looking back, sometimes I can't help wondering, what on earth did I like about him? Why was it so hard to forget him? Was it because the time we shared was too short, or was it because we were hopelessly in love, or was it a flaw in my character? No one could tell me the answer.

If we had not separated, there would not necessarily be a result, and even if there was a result, it would not necessarily be happy. As I grow older, I realize this more and more clearly. But perhaps it is because Valentine's Day is coming soon. Recently, I really want to know his news, where he is, what he is doing, and whether his family is happy? I once imagined that if we could meet again one day, I would generously ask him to give me a deep hug; if there is a teahouse nearby, I would ask him to buy me a drink. While sipping tea, I would smile and say to him: "Do you know? No matter how many women you have experienced, the one who loves you the most is me. Because I love you, I will be happy to let you love me when you love me, and I will be willing to let you go when you don't love me." After that, I will not forget to make another joke: "Now you can't love me again." I really hope that there will be such a reunion, although it is basically a fantasy. It is not easy for two people who have been separated for many years, living in different places, and have no news from each other to meet again.

Sometimes I often think, if there is something, something like a vaccine, that can make people know how to like someone at the right age, and make their hearts beat fast in front of their true love, and then once they are moved, they will love each other for the rest of their lives and never leave each other, how wonderful it would be!

　　Reporter's Notes:

First love, whether sweet or bitter, is the mark of the beginning of love, and therefore it is precious and unforgettable. Many years later, you want to know how your partner is doing and whether he or she is happy. This mentality is understandable, but as the saying goes, remember, don't let the past disturb the present.

 

One day, I was reading a book, and I didn't know when he had quietly sat in front of me. I looked up at this person I had admired for a long time, this person who had been tormenting me for a long time, and I felt mixed emotions. I still remember what he said that time. The gist of it was that we were still young, still students, and he didn't want to fall in love so early. I didn't say anything. I felt that I had said everything in that letter, and there was nothing more to say. It would be redundant to say anything.

After that, even though I said I wanted to let go, I couldn't help it. I still liked him. Maybe I was obsessed. I made a stupid decision and accepted the pursuit of another boy. But it was self-deception after all. I regretted it soon and found an excuse. The relationship ended.

As the college entrance examination was over, I left my hometown and came to Zhengzhou, while he, I heard, went to Shenzhen. That was in the summer of 1993.

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To be honest, my heart is full of regrets. I don't know why he liked me at that time, why he liked me and then left me, and why he didn't tell me the real reason when he left me. How great it would be if he hadn't provoked me in the first place, then I could have fallen in love with someone passionately when I was old enough to fall in love, and get married happily when I was old enough to get married. Maybe this would be a different life. However, if he had never liked me, would I feel more lost, after all, he was such an excellent boy. Thanks to him, an ordinary girl like me can have this experience, isn't this also a kind of happiness! Although its direct consequence is that I can no longer like someone so passionately.

Of course I got married. I married my current husband when I was 28 years old. Actually, I thought about not getting married, but I had no other reason not to get married except "not wanting to get married". As the eldest daughter in the family, being single at the age of 28 was shocking enough in the countryside at that time, and my younger brother declared that if I didn't get married, he wouldn't get married either. My husband is my classmate. We met in 1993. Later, he pursued me, but I didn't like him and kept rejecting him. He became more and more courageous and persisted unyieldingly. Even if I had a heart of stone, I couldn't remain indifferent. I thought, maybe no one will love me more than him in this life. So in the spring of 1999, I married him. Since I can't be with the person I love, I'll find someone who loves me.

My husband is a very nice person and treats me very well, but the most hidden corner of my heart has always been given to the seemingly heartless him.