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In 2002, I resigned from my job and embarked on the arduous yet long-cherished journey of studying abroad. I chose Australia, a unique country with its captivating coastline and lush, pristine forests, a paradise on earth. However, it was in this unfamiliar land that my life and my love life began to suffer unspeakably.

one
Butt and I met in the school library. I was in second grade at the time, newly adjusted to school and study abroad, and filled with curiosity. Perhaps it was a nostalgia for my mother tongue, but I often spent a few moments in the Chinese reading room. One day, I was engrossed in a Chinese publication when a tall, foreign man suddenly sat down next to me. "Miss, are you Chinese?" he asked, speaking Chinese. Although his accent wasn't quite perfect, it made me feel a sense of familiarity I'd never experienced in a foreign country.
I replied friendly, "Yes, I'm from China." But when I spoke to him again in Chinese, his eyes widened, a look of bewilderment. Through our conversation in English, I learned that these were the only few Chinese words he knew, and he had only learned them the day before. The reason was simple: he assumed I was from China and wanted to strike up a conversation with me in my native language, hoping to make friends.
At noon that day, we had lunch together in the school cafeteria. His name is Butt, he is from the Netherlands, and he went to Australia to study in 2000, majoring in engineering. He has a beautiful country villa in his hometown with a large blue lake in front. His parents are divorced, but they still get together often like friends. We chatted like old friends, and when the meal was about to end, he suddenly took my hand and said, "I don't have a girlfriend yet." My face turned red. Although I know that foreigners are bold and open, I didn't expect that such a strong hint could be given during a meal. Butt's smile is really irresistible. I wonder if my love has really come like this.
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two
Before I left for the country, my family kept telling me to be cautious about dating. I'm a very traditional person. I had a boyfriend before I left, but he wasn't ambitious and flatly rejected my suggestion that he pursue further education. In a fit of anger, we broke up. On the day I boarded my flight, he came to the airport to see me off. I still felt a little reluctant, but thinking about the life I wanted in the future, I reluctantly gave up. My last words to him were, "I wish you happiness."
I don't know if he's happy, but Butt's arrival has made me feel happier than ever. After meeting him, I've spent almost every lunch and dinner with him. This cheerful and humorous Dutch boy made me temporarily forget the loneliness of being in a foreign land. I thought we could keep this relationship going forever, that I could maintain my boundaries, but unexpectedly, that idea was quickly disrupted by a party.
One day, Bute came to me mysteriously, saying he was taking me to a friend's birthday party and slipping me a gift. I was in class at the time, so I couldn't open it. When class was over, I ran to the lounge and was shocked to see a sheer lace bra. Did he want me to wear this to a friend's party? Just as I was wondering, Bute called again: "Honey, remember to wear this underneath. I'll meet you at the usual place at 8 p.m."
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Then I saw a scene I'll never forget. Every man and woman at the party began to undress. The men were shirtless, wearing only shorts, while the women wore all sorts of see-through, sexy lingerie. They embraced in full view of everyone. The music grew louder, and some people were shouting, laughing, and shaking their heads... I'd only seen that kind of crazy and ecstatic scene in movies before, but today it was happening in real life. I felt dizzy and lost. Soon, my underwear was on display for everyone to see. I heard Bute shout, "Today she's my Oriental bride. No one will be happier than me!"
It was on this night that I failed to hold my own defense and felt the heart-wrenching pain for the first time. When Butt's "big guy" stabbed into my body without any scruples, I did not feel any happiness, only pain.
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Four
The arrival of Butt's mother marked a turning point in the relationship between Butt and I. In front of her mother, Butt promised to marry me. I was so happy that I forgot everything that had happened before and the pain I had just experienced. Soon, we rented a house off campus and lived together.
Butt was a man with an extremely voracious libido. After we started living together, he made sexual advances almost daily. He'd get me some films he considered sensual, and what I considered to be extremely pornographic, and he'd have me watch them with him. Afterward, we'd imitate the scenes and have sex. At first, I found it exciting, but the constant, daily sex left me feeling incredibly weak and exhausted. I was already a weak person, so I was no match for Butt's strength. After a month, I asked Butt to move back to the campus apartment. But he refused. He hugged me affectionately and said he'd respect my feelings from now on. He didn't like sex without love, and he wanted every day with him to be a happy one.
After Bout and I got together, he provided me with a lot of help with language skills and studies, helping me quickly integrate into this unfamiliar country and gaining many international friends. This is why I couldn't bear to leave him. He also always emphasized safe sex and used condoms, which made me feel he was a responsible person. And so, despite repeated hesitations, we didn't break up.



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In November 2004, after more than two years away from home, I returned to my homeland. Many people assumed I had returned from studying abroad, but only I knew the depth of my suffering. I had returned simply to escape the torment of that foreign man, Bout, and to use traditional Chinese medicine to heal my weakened body.
I went to the hospital for a checkup, and when I got the results, I couldn't believe my eyes: advanced cervical erosion and vaginitis with three plus signs. The gray-haired old gynecologist took my hand and said, "Son, you must pay attention to that. Your uterus is very fragile, and it might be difficult for you to have children in the future." At that moment, I covered my face and cried.

five
I've had allergies and asthma since childhood. When I got pregnant, I went to the hospital for a prenatal checkup and found two positive results (viral infections), which made me extremely worried about my unborn child. Early in my pregnancy, my hair began to fall out in clumps, and the doctor told me not to have sex during the first three months. Perhaps because Butt couldn't handle the loneliness, or perhaps because he was growing tired of my increasingly haggard appearance due to the pregnancy, when I was two and a half months pregnant, he moved back to campus, citing the need to work on his thesis, leaving me alone in his off-campus dorm.
My pregnancy reaction was still very strong, and at first I was happy to be able to get rid of Bute temporarily, because he always wanted to have sex with me during my pregnancy. But I didn't expect that Bute had other plans for this departure.
While I was agonizingly counting the days, Butt began another romantic adventure. Soon, I heard about his pursuit of another Asian girl. From what others had heard, it was a Korean girl, only 19 years old and incredibly beautiful. When the news was confirmed, I couldn't hold back my tears. I came to Australia to pursue my dreams, only to end up in such a ridiculous life. My baby was growing bigger and bigger, but I had no idea where my future lay.
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six
After being discharged from the hospital, I started to continue my studies. But still came to me, constantly confessing to me, constantly explaining to me, hoping that I would give him another chance and also give myself another chance.
I once again became his girlfriend without knowing what was going on, and started living with him again. If the first time was because of love, then this time it was just my own fault. Maybe it was because I felt that perfect love was impossible for someone like me, or maybe it was vanity and loneliness that played a role, but anyway, we ended up living together again.
He resumed his relentless sexual torture, regardless of time, place, or whether I needed it or not. He even continued to do it during my period, forcing me to run red lights and watching me bleed profusely, still satiating his desires. He loved showing off his enormous penis and mocking the flat breasts of us Asian women. Making love with him no longer had the passion we once had, nor any sense of pleasure.